Today I just couldn’t focus and I sat down with a cup of hot tea in my cosy little living room and switched on the tv and a documentary about mental health that I wanted to catch up on.
I sat there not really sure why I was so determined to watch this program but I had this deep need to all the same. Dont get me wrong I wanted to watch it as it’s an area and topic that I believe strongly that needs more coverage and support.
As I watched I felt my tears run down my cheeks uncontrollably listening to the stories of the brave and courageous people in this program. Listening to the men and women talking about their stories and how the mental health conditions manifested in there lives I slowly got this feeling deep within me. This feeling was that what I was hearing them say was exactly where I am now today.
I have been here before and I have worked hard to get well and back in to the light and a life full of colour more than once in my adult life. And it has led me to working with others to help and support them to love themselves and put their wellbeing above all else.
What I realised today was that this niggly emotional wave that has been drifting in and out more and more over the past few months was actually my black fog setting in. I have never had it creep in like this before I think because I have never had so many tools and practices to help me keep it at bay before.
So it would seem that my black fog used a different route this time. Instead of setting in one day and growing darker and darker like before it gradually set in and danced with the light so so that I didn’t realise instantly what was going on.
But today I did realise. I realised that recently more and more days have been over shadowed in the past few weeks, with what feels like a shadow. I’ve had a down and heavy feeling no matter what I do and sleeping has been a struggle at times, I’ve lost my appetite and just not felt my self, difficultly making decisions and mood swings along with lack of focus are all indicators that the black fog has taken hold!
But then I got really upset with myself for not noticing sooner! I’ve been so determined to keep up my old faithful practices like gratitude, journaling and not getting stuck in a rut that when slowly the fog has crept up on me I’ve not noticed it till now and that OK! because I have noticed now and I can start to change the course of it, turn it around, climb out of the pit.
I got a call from my lovely husband not long after this all landed with me this afternoon and I decided to not to hide or bury so I asked him for his help and told him exactly what had been going on and how I was and am feeling. He has helped me before so I know he will help me this time but this is the first time I have actually taken the bull by the horns and asked for help.
So here I am taking the first steps on the path back to colour. I have no idea what the path looks like or what I will learn on the journey but this black fog is not something I want to stick around so I’m ready to say goodbye and discover what I need to keep it at bay going forward now that I have grown out of the old ways I use to do because they obviously aren’t enough now.
I do have hope and trust I can do this and I can feel and see that colour once more but right now it’s time for bed because I actually feel like I need to sleep and that has to be a good thing!
Sleep tight and I’ll catch you soon xxx
My Path Back To Colour 